Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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