thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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