I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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