I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
