And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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