I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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