I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
