I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
