I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My cat gives me a boner
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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