Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
