If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
