"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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