if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
