i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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