I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
