I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Your cock deserves a montage
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Randomize
