God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
