This is not my ceiling
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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