So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
