the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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