hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
