This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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