Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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