Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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