I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
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