I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
