that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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