Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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