My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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