WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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