just tell him i said nine months
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
farters have to be the big spoon...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
