I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
