I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
