I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
