I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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