The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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