I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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