It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
His nipple licking is glorious
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