i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
