Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
