if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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