I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's like heaven, but drunker
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
