Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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