I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You are the jesus of drinking
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
