i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
