i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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