I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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