Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
