Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize