mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
